What is YOUR Attachment Style?
By Alicia Byelich, MS
Relationships! What comes to mind when you hear that word? Peace, Joy, Stability? Or, Anxiety, Unrest, Stress? Maybe…a little of both. Relationships can be, well, beautiful AND complicated. There are MANY factors that go into how we view relationships and the feelings that are evoked with just that one word. Take a minute and pause. Have you ever wondered why you feel so stable in your relationship when others may not? Or why, for you, the beginning of the relationship is full of excitement and hope and you feel like you end up sabotaging it? Do you look back on your arguments, place your palm on your forehead and question, “why did I do that”, knowing that perhaps you made a “mountain out of a molehill”? It would serve us all (and our partners) well to do a little self-reflection.
One factor in relationships is our attachment style. John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth were attachment theory pioneers who studied attachment styles between caregivers and their children; these observations led them to naming specific attachment styles in children. (Feel free to Google them; their findings were very influential in the field of attachment.) Later, researchers took Bowlby and Ainsworth’s findings and explored how attachment styles as a child impacted our adult attachment style identifying four prominent adult attachment styles. The children and adult attachment styles include: secure, anxious/ambivalent (or in an adult this is called anxious/preoccupied), anxious/avoidant (in an adult this is called avoidant/dismissing) and disorganized attachment (in an adult this is called avoidant/fearful).
Is your head spinning a little? Don’t worry, we are going to do a brief breakdown of each style and how the style from childhood spills over into adulthood. Maybe you will recognize yourself in one and make a connection to the attachment style that you held as a child.
Children who have a secure attachment to their caregiver grow up in a relationship where they can count on their caregiver to meet their needs. When the child cries, there is someone there to soothe them, when they are hungry, they are fed, and when they have soiled their diaper, their diaper is changed. Having their needs met typically creates a secure attachment which enables the child to have the confidence to go out and explore the world while knowing that they have a safe space to return if they begin to feel unsettled. As they grow, often the child who came from a place of secure attachment, will grow up to trust people, have a positive self-image and view the world in a positive light.
Having a secure attachment style as a child can help lead to a secure attachment style in an adult. Secure attachment is the idea that “I’m okay and you are okay”. In this attachment style you feel comfortable with your partner. You can communicate clearly when sharing your feelings, you trust your partner and are able to establish a healthy balance of spending time together and apart, your relationships are long lasting and satisfying. Personally, you feel worthy of love and respect, and are confident in the relationship.
The second attachment style in children is labeled anxious/ambivalent attachment style. These children usually have caregivers that meet their needs only some of the time leaving them never sure if they can count on their caregiver. These caregivers may, or may not, comfort the child when needed, feed the child when hungry, or change their dirty diaper. Due to the mixed response the child receives, the child tends to be fearful to leave their parent and may cling to them, desiring their attention but fearing they will not get it, since their caregiver is unreliable.
As an adult, the anxious/ambivalent attachment styles of a child, is relabeled anxious/preoccupied.
Anxious/Preoccupied styles can be explained by “I’m not okay, but you are okay”: In this attachment style an adult will doubt their relationship stability, struggle with their self-esteem and, believe at times they are not worthy of the relationship. These insecurities and anxieties result in fearing that their partner may leave them. At times, these fears can result in the individual becoming “clingy” to their partner and easily angered when feeling as if they are not being given enough attention. Sometimes, an individual will become possessive of their partner regularly needing to be assured of their partner’s interest in them.
The third attachment style in children is labeled anxious/avoidant. This occurs when a child’s caregiver is not responsive to the child’s needs most of the time. The care giver rejects the child, even when their child is sick, causing the child to realize they cannot count on their caregiver to meet their needs. The child learns they need to self-soothe, be self-sufficient, and adapt to their situation by repressing their emotions. This child learns not to seek their parent’s attention because it will not be given to them. Children with an anxious/avoidant attachment style can often be found alone since relationships, to them, are not reliable therefore they avoid them all together.
Similar to the children’s anxious/avoidant attachment style an adult may have an avoidant/dismissing attachment style. An avoidant/dismissing attachment style can be explained by: “I’m okay, you are not okay”. An adult who has an avoidance attachment style with a partner tends to keep their emotions to themselves, they are unable to express how they feel, they do not believe their partner will care for their needs, and when conflict arises, this individual may leave or avoid the situation all together. They can, in fact, shut down emotionally when a threat to their relationship occurs.
The final form of attachment in children is called disorganized. This attachment style is a combination of the second and third attachment styles explained above, the ambivalent and avoidant attachment styles. When a child develops a disorganized style of attachment it is the result of their caregiver’s
unpredictable behavior: the child’s caregiver may be a protector at times and, at other times, a source of danger. Within the home there may be child abuse, or abuse between partners witnessed by the child, leaving the child very confused. Due to the developmental process when young, the child may believe they are the cause of their parent’s behavior or emotional outbursts. Unfortunately, this disorganized lifestyle can result in low self-image and a view that the world is unsafe and chaotic. Children with this attachment style may have difficulties forming relationships and display behavioral problems. Without understandable rules, or good role models, children with this attachment style do not learn how to interact in healthy ways with others and are left unsure if they did something wrong if they hurt someone. Relationships are a struggle.
In an adult a corresponding attachment style for disorganized is avoidant/fearful. This is described as “I’m not okay, you are not okay.” Similar to children with this attachment style, as adults, they are unsure how to act or respond in relationships. They also fear being hurt within the relationship. In a matter of minutes, they can be trying for connection with their partner only to turn away and avoid their partner in the next minute. This attachment style in adults leaves the individual just waiting with expectation that they will be hurt and rejected. Like children, this is a very confusing attachment style for adults and their partners.
The good news is that attachment styles CAN BE CHANGED! Counseling can help you discover the blind spots you have about yourself in relationship that occurred due to your history with family and friends. Knowing areas of weakness in attachment styles can bring an awareness that can be spotted, and new behaviors can be developed. This is not always easy, but we are happy to come along side of you to help you work on becoming the person you have always wanted to be with the relationships that you desire.
