Valentine’s Day: Shaping Valentine’s Day into The Holiday You Want It to Be

By Alicia Byelich, MS

As a little girl, pre-teen, and finally a teenager, I can remember the anticipation of Valentine’s Day being right around the corner. If single, I would hope that this would be the year my secret admirer would show up at my doorstep with a dozen roses in hand declaring his love for me. I’d wake in the morning, head off to school, upon returning home I’d hope the doorbell would ring at some point as the sun set and the sky darkened. That never happened for me, there were no secret admirers that showed up on my doorstep. These are the things that romance novels and movies are made of….but, rarely happen in real life.

In real life, Valentine’s Day can bring about a multitude of emotions. You may view Valentine’s Day through a lens of grief, loneliness, despair, or be left wondering, when is it your turn to find love? Valentine’s Day blues may very well exist. In 2022, research showed that women in their 30’s to 40’s, when compared to men and other age groups, struggled with greater depressive symptoms following Valentine’s Day when not receiving a Valentine’s Day gift (Lange et al., 2022). This study approached these results with curiosity, wondering if perhaps, due to our culture of showing love on Valentine’s Day through gift giving, these women were left feeling as if they failed in relationships with the expectation that by this age they “should” be married (Lange et al., 2022). Maybe you recognize yourself in the results of this particular study, or maybe you are struggling with a recent loss and trying to figure out what Valentine’s Day means to you now that your romantic partner is no longer with you. If this is the case, let’s take some time to look at other ways we can view Valentine’s Day while still respecting all the emotions you are feeling.

Let’s start with loving yourself. If Valentine’s Day is all about love, how about some thoughts on loving yourself well.

One of the most important parts of shaping Valentine’s Day into how you want it is by leaving space for your emotions. Honor yourself by acknowledging whatever emotion you are feeling; don’t sweep those emotions “under the rug.” One way to acknowledge and honor the emotions you are feeling on Valentine’s Day is by accepting them. Studies have shown that by accepting your emotions without judgement decreases the amount of time you spend feeling those negative emotions, allowing the negative emotion to pass faster (Ford et al., 2018). Practice self-compassion by acknowledging and naming the feeling in a loving and caring way (as you would to a close friend who needed comfort). Giving yourself compassion and room for all your feelings on Valentine’s Day is a way to love yourself well. Allow your emotions to come alongside you on Valentine’s Day; but not necessarily control the entire day. You can have sad emotions and still honor yourself, or others, in a special way.

Remember how I mentioned that I would wait around for my secret admirer to show up on my doorstep? How different Valentine’s Day may have been for me if I had made the conscious choice to change my expectations. Sometimes, expectations are caused by something called “Cognitive Distortions”. Cognitive Distortions are ways that we think inaccurately. You can find a good explanation of Cognitive Distortions on a website called PsychCentral at this web address: https://psychcentral.com/lib/cognitive-distortions-negative-thinking. For me, my cognitive distortion was using the word “should”. I had created rules around what Valentine’s Day “should” be – these “shoulds” or rules led to a very disappointed girl at the end of the night.

Changing your expectations about Valentine’s Day may need to include intentional decisions. One idea would be to decide that Valentine’s Day is a day for self-care. Love up on yourself for a while. Create a special day doing the things you love. That may look like a spa day, hanging out with friends, or even watching a movie on the couch in your pj’s while eating popcorn. Make Valentine’s Day this year a day to pamper yourself in a loving way. Valentine’s Day is about love, so love yourself well.

You could also take the day to love others through volunteering. In a meta-analysis of 28 studies researching the relationship between volunteerism and various areas of mental and physical health it was found that general health and overall well-being and quality of life was positively correlated with volunteering (Nichol et al., 2023). Pick something that lines up with an area of your life that you value. Do you like animals? Spend some time at a local shelter or adoption agency. Do you enjoy cooking? There may be outreaches in your community that may be serving the homeless or those in need through provisions of meals. You can type “Volunteer opportunities in ______________ (fill in the blank with your town or county)” using your online search engine and within seconds many organizations will pop up looking for an extra hand.

Not sure you want to leave your house and volunteer? Another idea is to create or buy Valentines and send them to all the special people in your life. Or take Valentine’s to local nursing home to hand out to residents. Have some spare cash? What about buying some flowers and bringing joy to others by handing them out to strangers in a local town you live with a little “Happy Valentine’s Day” message letting them know you are glad they are alive. This will give you a boost emotionally and the recipient as well.

Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be what the movies and romance novels display as what “should” be done. Valentine’s Day can be whatever you want it to be; a day to care for yourself, a day to love others, and a day to honor any emotion you experience. If this Valentine’s Day you are struggling with big emotions that are leaving you feeling as if you cannot do the things you want to do, or love others the way you want to love them, then please reach out to us. We are here to walk alongside you in your pain and process all that holds you back from living your life the way you value and wish it to be lived.

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References:

15 Cognitive Distortions To Blame for Negative Thinking (2022, January 11). PsychCentral. Retrieved February 3, 2024, from https://psychcentral.com/lib/cognitive-distortions-negative-thinking

Ford, B. Q., Lam, P., John, O. P., & Mauss, I. B. (2018). The psychological health benefits of accepting negative emotions and thoughts: Laboratory, diary, and longitudinal evidence. Journal of personality and social psychology, 115(6), 1075–1092. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000157

Lange, Rense ; Jerabek, Ilona & Dagnall, Neil (2022). Do the ‘Valentine’s Day Blues’ Exist? A Legacy Report on a Purported Psychological Phenomenon. Journal of Scientific Exploration 36 (1), 49-68. https://doi.org/10.31275/20222445

Nichol, B., Wilson, R., Rodrigues, A., & Haighton, C. (2023). Exploring the Effects of Volunteering on the Social, Mental, and Physical Health and Well-being of Volunteers: An Umbrella Review. Voluntas : international journal of voluntary and nonprofit organizations, 1–32. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11266-023-00573-z