Be Kind...To Yourself!
By Alicia Byelich, MS
Do you recognize the following popular phrases? “Be Kind” (this phrase is often found on t-shirts, mugs, and pictures; “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you” (found in the Bible, Matthew 7:12, NIV); and “…love your neighbor as yourself” (found in the Bible, Matthew 22:39, NIV). Google kindness and you will find a plethora of quotes from the greats such as Maya Angelou, Mark Twain and many other recognizable names. My guess is that when you read quotes such as these, or words of wisdom from the Bible, you are thinking about the kindness you would like to show to others. What if, just for a second, you took a moment and evaluated how kind you are to yourself…are you?
Often, we are our own worst self-critics. This past week I found my own self-critic rearing its ugly head. My husband and I took a road trip to Tennessee. I was determined not to pack too much and tried to focus on the necessities. In doing so I pulled out three sets of pajamas from my drawer, decided that I didn’t need that many, and without thinking, accidentally returned them ALL to the drawer. Our first night, halfway to Tennessee, as I was looking through my suitcase, I realized what I had done. “Oh, that was so stupid” I thought to myself. “How could I have done that?” “I’m so frustrated with myself.” Luckily there was a Walmart less than 10 minutes away. The next morning my husband realized that he had forgotten his belt and so back to the store we went. I didn’t think to myself “How stupid of him.” “How could he have done that?!” “I’m so frustrated with him.” Nope, I gave him grace...but didn’t offer myself the same grace I had offered him.
Look back at the phrases mentioned in the first paragraph. “Be Kind” where does this phrase say be kind only to others? It doesn’t. “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you”; hmmmm, would I want other people treating me poorly? I certainly wasn’t treating myself the way I would want others to treat me. “Love your neighbor as yourself”… My husband isn’t my neighbor but I certainly treated him far better than I treated myself, so, I wasn’t loving myself very well at all with my criticism.
Self-Criticism can be anger that is displayed by attacking yourself inwardly when you sense failure in a particular area (for me, my failure was not packing everything I needed) and/or may come from a protective place where one may have a poor view of oneself and use criticism to help avoid a future mistake (for example, if next time I’m packing I start to remind myself to pack my pj’s with a phrase like “don’t be as stupid as last time and remember to pack your pj’s”) (Koroniova et al., 2020).
Research has shown high levels of self-criticism may lead to pathology related to many mental health struggles (Warren et al., 2016). Correlations have been found between high levels of self- criticism and social anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, self-harm behaviors, bi-polar, schizophrenia, eating disorders, personality disorders and suicidal tendencies (Halamová et al., 2021). There is a small amount of research available that has focused on self-criticism’s impact on healthy social relationships correlating to feelings of loneliness and a disconnect with others (Luoma & Chwyl, 2022). In many ways, this makes sense, if you are unkind to yourself and critical of yourself on a regular basis, it’s easy to see how this would be harmful.
Unfortunately, it may be hard, after years of criticizing yourself, to break the habit (Koroniova et al, 2020). But, not impossible, and studies have found that one of the best ways to combat that critical voice is through self-compassion. In an article written by Warren, Smeets and Neff (2016) there are three areas that are helpful to help one attain an increase in self-compassion:
Self-kindness vs. Self Judgement
Offering yourself unconditional acceptance rather than judging yourself.
A Sense of Common Humanity vs. Isolation
Remembering you are human and ALL humans make mistakes.
Mindfulness vs. Self-Identification
Mindfulness is described as a balanced, and not exaggerated, description of the emotional experience (Warren et al., 2016).
In my previous example of forgetting my pajamas you can see the self-judgement, isolation and self-identification in the ways I called myself names (I judged and labeled myself as stupid); my question of “how could I have done that” was isolating. A more helpful inner dialogue would have been: “Darn it, I forgot my pajamas” (Mindfulness – sticking to the facts), “Oh well, I’m human, anyone could have done that” (Sense of Common Humanity) and “That’s okay, we can go buy another pair.” (Self-Kindness). After a few minutes of criticizing myself, I was able to view the situation in a healthier manner and enjoy the rest of my evening; how different my night may have gone if I had remained in the self-critical part of me.
Warren, Smeets and Neff (2016) cited various studies within their article on the benefits of self-compassion. One cited research project explored the benefits of writing a letter of compassion daily for one week in order to help process moments of suffering/distress. This research showed reductions in depression for three months and an increase in overall happiness for six months. Another showed improvement in perception of personal appearance (body dissatisfaction and body shame) following three weeks of self-compassion meditation training. They also cited a study where compassion – focused therapy significantly reduced self-criticism in individuals who participated. As you learn new self-compassion skills, research has shown those who practice higher levels of self-compassion are able to regulate their emotions and have fewer stress related responses/reactions (Koroniova et al, 2020).
The next time you hear your inner voice start to criticize yourself, take note of it, become curious. Is it helpful? Or, it is harmful? Are you criticizing yourself because of shame for a failure? Are you hoping the criticism will provide motivation to change? Again, are either of those thought processes helpful to you? How would things change if you began to allow yourself to be human, provide compassionate kindness to yourself and give yourself space to have a realistic view of the experience?
Starting today; take the advice at the beginning of this blog. Be Kind to yourself, treat yourself how you would treat your best friend, love yourself as much as you love others. Little by little, step by step, you work towards increasing your self-compassion and begin to quiet the critic that seeks to steal your peace, joy and contentment with life.
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References
Halamová, J., Kanovský, M., Varsová, K., & Kupeli, N. (2021). Randomised controlled trial of the new short-term online emotion focused training for self-compassion and self-protection in a nonclinical sample. Current Psychology, 40(1), 333+. http://dx.doi.org/10.1007/s12144-018-9933-4
Koroniova, J., Halamova, J., & Dzongova, Z. (2020). Differences in Electromyography during Self-Compassionate and Self-Critical Imageries According to the Level of Self-Criticism. Studia Psychologica: Journal for Basic Research in Psychological Sciences, 62(4), 364+. http://dx.doi.org/10.31577/sp.2020.04.810
Luoma, J. B., & Chwyl, C. (2022). Interpersonal mechanisms for the maintenance of self-criticism: Expressive suppression, emotion expression, and self-concealment. Current Psychology, 41(6), 4027+. http://dx.doi.org/10.1007/s12144-020-00920-z
Warren, R., Smeets, E., & Neff, K. (2016). Self-criticism and self-compassion: risk and resilience: being compassionate to oneself is associated with emotional resilience and psychological well-being. Current Psychiatry, 15(12), 18+. https://link.gale.com/apps/doc/A474714850/PPPC?u=philbibu&sid=bookmark-PPPC&xid=463cc607
